Date:	2005-10-03 12:22
Subject:	Sitting on pops lap
Security:	Public
Mood:	jealous

So my pops told me a story at breakfast
About a 2 men in japan in a death match
One man grew up in a monastery in Japan
The "old country" my pop says
As a child he was taught martial arts
As a japanese boy should
One day in his 22nd year
He heard stories of a rival monastery
In the same area of the woods
Later that season he was walking in the woods
When a monk from the rival monastery attacked him
They fought and fought
Suddenly the man my father spoke of
Felt something wet on his side
The man thought it was sweat
He looks down and feels his body
And sees and feels blood
The rival monk had a knife
He had cut him all around his lower body full circle
As he was inspecting his wound the rival monk threw a high kick
While the wounded man dropped to one knee dodged the kick
Ducked under his leg and punched the rival as hard has he could in the groin
The rival lay on the ground....

He had died.

My fathers friend dropped and passed out from his wounds
He awoke a few days later in his monastery with herbal remedies on his body
Bandages wrapped around his wound
He had survived
Death was reaching out but the man resisted deaths hand
To this day the man has a scar full circle around his body
My father says the scar resembles welding on sheet metal
Thick and calloused, and jagged.

I've never felt this pain before its the worst pain I've ever felt in my entire like which isnt that long but long enough to not want this thing ever again.

I will go peacefully into the end, this is what you wanted, for no-one to be harmed. When we threw down our guns,
guided by your screams up went our hands in the air. Bullets from the barrel hit the names etched into autmun trees
They fell so perfectly under your callused heels.

The blue green and brown eyes rip open the lines of our friendship
They will not fall for you, Lie for you, Turn their back on us for any of you
Through the waters of the earth, swim to me now if you still believe in me

Impulse has entered our skin, lightly drag the steel strings across their fingers
When the song begins open your lips and see if you can still feel my head when it turns
These September winds dry up the spit coursing through these beaten men
We've seen them with their eyes leaking saltwater
Standing over this empty battlefield
Scatter the ashes beautifully
The silver blades still linger in our backs


The blue green and brown eyes rip open the lines of our friendship
They will not fall for you, lie for you, turn there back on us for any of you
Through the waters of the earth, swim to me now if you still believe in me

In memories you see these heros, Still rising up we take our place
Among the lines that are broken, Listen as we tell you more stories
Painted with words so perfectly, Close your eyes and imagine you are there
Sing to me now my angel, hold up the words you have used to hear us fight
Drag your nails around the headstones
Feeling each step as you walk across these graves


Too pure for earth our savior early caled us home....

Murder
I am the Keeper of your children's souls
Siphon the dreams
And wishes from the well
A demons mind
Is a playground to bathe in my victims entrails
Murder The holy ones
A perfect love means a perfect kill

In dreams she lays beside me
On a bed in the world of old
So perfect is she
My maiden
Who has forgotten me
I wake in such despair
Knowing when i rest again
She will be away
You cant flex nuts
Like that
If you ain't got none
I used to look up to you
Like a poster on the wall
A hero To aspire too
One that could never fall
I had your back through the hard times
And the bullshit
A portrait of a god
You're nothing more than a jester
A joker in the deck

I still find myself driving to distances i cannot reach
Reaching for distances i cannot drive
A cold night with arms crossed
Fingers touch my lips running the nail over dry skin
Who's up there
Breathing so quietly
What makes an angel a human
A man who will save the world to put his arm around his wife
Fathers who catch colds for there sons
And hang heroes for there daughters
I lean against my shelter from the rain
Cold air high above the hills into the valley
Is dancing against my ears
Under this hood is hair that wishes for fingers to run through
Wishes feed hope to those who gave up
A drive to the condemned houses
Once lit up with christmas lights and lawn flamingos
There in the moonlight I could see them
Sewn together on a bed soaked with fallen sky
Sounds of a confession has now come to be the score
You helped me believe in love
How could she....
And to think I have no memory of it all
No pictures of anything
Just your letters bathed in that smell
Daises clean clothes heaven
Now what do I do I have nothing left now what do I do?

When will this be over
Cut short
When I was just beginning to know how your world turns
She's left you
How could a lover be an enemy?
Who could do this?
As your eyes shut for the final time
We're your real family
A voice over the phone sings me into smiles
A man with a heart that could unite this world...
Was left alone to fight.
To you Forever My Guardian
Watch me become what my father has foreseen
Don't you ever stop fighting...
Please grandpa don't stop.

Their is no explanation for what I have done
A dumb kid in search of a meaning for the steps I take
Trying to decide if what I'm thinking is worth fighting for
Become part of a cause
That is slowly dying out
Shake the darkness off the clouds
Shine the crown of the queen
At first sight my eyes burn from that stare
Without warning falling down down down
Into something that would forever change
The way I live and breathe
Sunshine that sits upon shorten strings
Harmony that sounds out of curiosity
Watching what I thought was the strong
Erode
This is all a dream
Wake me up before you leave
Before I know what it truly means to live
They will have taken it from me
Ugly, unintelligent, alone, and out numbered
Not even this saltwater sympathy can erase the things I have seen
Never forget
What you have seen in me
I will not say goodbye
Because this is forever
"God only knows what I'd be without you"

Touch the ground
Feel the earth move
Swarming with life and beauty
The sun rises and ignites our world with rays of gold
In darkness is where we are afraid
Our lives are run through what we believe to be true
Somethings in the water that makes the fear grow
In the food we eat
Staring at us down the barrel of a pen
Checking off who's lives we can destroy
We hate each other
Without even knowing whats inside of blood
What makes our world turn
The blood that soaks deep with-in our roots
Bound by an honor to defend the bounty
Of what we call home
"All my dreams turn into nightmares"
I step upon hollow ground and feel safe
To be protected by my fallen kinsmen
The honor and value of what my nihon go
Has taught me.

Once more brought to a sheet that has no names
Cutting open rusty fingers
Draining ink onto a desk that does not sleep
The headphones that keep me from remembering theres more of us in this house
I was told by a teacher in the 4th grade
You are not alone you will never be alone
She said there was a reason for laughing
A reason for crying, for living and for dying
I wanted to believe her
I wanted her to teach me how to survive
In a pool of my own neurosis
I was on a plane sitting next to a man who wreaked of pain
He hurt from head to toe
And he was alone on this flight
Just him and a brief case
Did he have someone to write home too?
Would he see a smiling face when he stepped out in to the los angeles air
Or was he just married to his work
His wedding ring is attached to his keys that open is car
The car
That he will soon find out will be the only escapism he would ever have
What did he leave?
He left a sailboat.
The only piece or scrape of goodness he had left in his neurotic world
When this man walked he walked tall
With boat in mind no one could touch the head that held high
Now at his sleepless desk
With rusty hands
With ink now in his veins
He sits and writes
What about?
I wonder if he even thought about his biggest fear
His struggle for self realization
In the dark we all wonder nameless
In the light is when the competition begins
When we forget how beautiful we really are
The man had no name
He was left at first cry
His teacher taught him freewill in a world of immortals
The boat that gave him life could finally solve his problems now in death
As for his desk and his blank pages
Now filled with numbers, dollar signs
And waste.
He never knew what life was meant to give him
Until he opened is brief case and stepped into the los angeles night sky
Took in the air
And slept for eternity with his cancer.


He sits at the edge of the world
On the last limb of the trees
The swirls of blue and grass soo green
as a boy he often wondered
Who can save me
IF god is here why cant he save me
Im on my knees in the middle of a field
Filled with boys and girls
Screaming and kicking
God make them stop
For my teacher never taught me
That god will not listen
He cannot heal
If you kill a man.
Since birth I never knew
I grew up with blood on my hands.
Please help me.Please save me.Please make her stop.

I raise my face up to the sky
And I close my eyes
My body is shivering and it starts with my knees
With my arms open wide
I fly with the breeze
Like when I was young
And everything felt complete

With your head to my neck and my hands in your hair
The world could be ending and I wouldn't care.
Visiting towns just to see the stars in your eyes
Makes me think I should have stayed awake tonight
From the pit of my stomach is where my words run true
on a quick pad of paper is when my blood runs blue
I swallow butterflies every time I think of you

Catch me while I'm in the air dreaming
She always makes stop breathing
I'm laying my head to rest upon your lips
Into the night she walks with the rain sliding down her hips
All I could do was stare
I'm running my finger down this window pane
In my car is where my songs scream out with no shame

Salt water covered in shields of my shaking hands

I see my head to yours with one hand in a fist
Clenched with white swimming on the surface
Our finger tips touching and knitting together
In a language we knew meant forever

As light as my head is
It always ends up in my hands
The rough grains of salt and sweat
Are rubbing into the bones of my smile
I'm looking down at the passenger seat
Pulling at the collar of your shirt
I hope no one catches me breathing it in
I've lost count of the tears my pillow has caught
But it acts as a sleeping pill
Where no man is immune
And when the lights go out
Perfection runs up and down my skin
As the right tone of a voice is sung
No matter how hard I fall
I'll always end up
Back in front of you
These calluses will compose novels as they write
And I'm not ready to give up this fight

In my two hands I hold memories of a life I've wasted
The greed from a master I have yet to see
A feeling of regret and empathy
With my sights on the sky I ask nothing but why?
To the ground I fall with nothing but pain in my eyes
Looking on the floor at all the pictures I've torn
Touch this chest to feel it beats no more
Nail me to the doors you use to keep me away
Take a blade to your legs so you fall to your knees
Asking me, Begging me, stopping me, please
Out of this wound
Your blood, your life, will flow

With this distance it will give me time to grow.

That cigarette that you lit
I hope burns holes through your lip
So you can feel this empty kiss
Forget regret
Open up the stars in the sky
Shove your daggers deep within my eyes
Under a bleeding heart I surrendered
Holding on in fear of tomorrow
Holding on in fear today
Never again will I let your fucking hands near me
Its me and her and we're at it again
I would rather end my life
Than have to pretend
This time

Standing still and hopeless
Words engraved into my chest
I've bled for so long for this moment
If not to compare,to sit and stare
As time counts away that chance
This portrait stitched to the backs of my eyes
Brings nothing but scars to my heart
Every word that falls from your lips
Is another cut to my wrists
I've built these walls to let my heart run cold
I cant let this go.

Don't cry for me as I fall
You are my father did you know?
Where were you arms when my body hit the ground?
No words, not a sound
Sleep with one eye open cos tonight you're mine
Crush these bones
Taste my wounds
These stitches that you've sewn I've torn apart
Out of disgust I'll spit into your eyes
Second chances
We all deserve second chances
I hoped Id be the son you've always wanted
Give up
You always gave up on me
We move to the heartbeat, Fuck you Fear the army...

Feeling like everyone around me is out for revenge
Ripping this heart out of my chest
to show you that you were worth nothing
The end
the end is coming to me
The end is coming for us
The end is here for you
I will devote my life to hating you
I wait for no one and nothing to save me
I will destroy
If not you then it all.

Destroy your maker/ Destroy it all.

Date:	2003-06-13 12:38
Subject:	Long drives under silver skies
Security:	Public
Mood:	blank
Music:	Bright Eyes

With this luck I've gambled all my truth away
I tried so hard to make my lovers stay
She tells me lies
But are they really fake
Or is my mind just telling me I live to be let down
Who can you trust anymore?
In the dark I sit in hallow halls
I'm not ready for you to hurt me just yet
I'll play the games that keep you close
Cos' thats how you win them over thats just how it goes
You think you've found the diamond in the rough
But they're all the same
And I'm sure they will all say the same thing about me
Everyone walks around like they do not feel
But no one is really that empty inside
I can only open up to a worn out book
Filled with fallen foes and rising suns


I'll tell you the truth
In fact I'll tell it all
The reason why I'm sitting here with my head in my hands
They're attention span is lacking in human flesh
The thanksgiving dinner meal for them is a room filled with boys
Ready and waiting to pick her up and use her like a pair of old work gloves
Now you tell me you can change in fact you show me I'm wrong
In this play you know you can never finish
Because you cant act through my skin to my heart
I've been let down so many times before
My skins rougher than war
You make people believe they are special
When deep inside you seek the compassion you break
I'm just a person who can break as well as rise
But now I lay broken for you and for all to come an walk upon
Boo Whoo Fuck You!
I'm letting them know the reality which you have a wall blocking your eyes
From the truth
The truth of the Secrets you don't even know
The reason you hang on my blood like leaves on the autumn ground
The way you always are around taunting my spirit with words of treason
You try to change your home
But you cant change your name
How could you say you care
When deep inside you want it all
Not just the boy you call a lover
Or a special son
I wont waste my time on your ruin
I've lost all feeling I've once had
My mother brought me up to have an open heart
But my father taught me to hold it heavy
A spell has cast me into the dark waters
I wont love your mothers or daughters
Sisters or cousins


No more phone calls
No more words of reason
No more sympathy
No more lies
No more truths
No more pain hurt tears cries fear
Trying to make you believe that I am someone I am not Living a lie hoping just for one moment you would just love me for me and not an actor I play so you will like me I will be the Man you will never get and you're missing out on someone who could have given you more than your dreams can compose I've fallen to graves un dug to spirits unwanted to children no one wanted to dogs left out in the rain to the smile no one wanted to see
and the love no one wanted to hear.

You've made new memories and left me out of them.
I'm the forgotten withered old man in the back seats of your performance
Don't pick me up as I stumble to the ground
To see your happiness makes me proud
I cannot compare to the new heart you share
I look back like a home movie
The sound track is a piano melody
A soothing sonnet sung by a kid
I'm shinning in the night out side of your room
Like a soft spot in an angels heart
Knowing you're around makes me feel like a thousand summers
Your photograph reminds me of every line I counted in the cement when we walked alone
But we never had many memories
Its sad to say I don't exist to you anymore
I'm being carried to heaven with wings of blood
dripping pain into demons eyes
Melt away as the seems of this story tear and fray
I was young then
I couldn't tell you why I gave up
After second chances
The scene changes as I'm begging for moonlight to set my mood
I've cried as much as you
But now I cry alone
Every song I sing I sing for you
Anytime I catch a glimpse of the bright blue skies it reflects an image of your eyes
I placed my arm around you in hopes of never letting go
Secrets you told me you spoke to no one else
I was only happy when your smile was in my eyes
Your laughter and your voice was magic to my ears
WHY DID I GIVE UP ON YOU
I WILL NEVER SEE THAT SIDE OF YOU AGAIN
NEVER WILL I SIT UPON THE STARS IN THE SKIES YOU WISH UPON
THE WINTER THAT WE SHARED WAS COLDER TO THE HEART AND NOT THE BONE
I WROTE YOU SPELLS THAT TOUCHED YOU IN A PLACE YOU DIDN'T EVEN KNOW EXISTED
THINKING YOU KNOW EVERYTHING THAT LURKS AROUND IN MY HEAD
KISS ME BEFORE I FALL
AND DON'T WORRY YOU DON'T NEED TO CATCH ME
I'M BETTER DOWN WHERE THE FIRE BURNS BRIGHT
WHERE THE WINDS BLOW COLD
AND THE LIGHT BURNS MY SKIN
COS NOW THE REGRET IS SINKING IN.

all I remember is my heart in a vice and your hands over my eyes

The beginning:

She tells me I'm the best
Much more talented than the rest
This coming from the girl for a living rips hearts out of chests
Through the looking glass I explored
Alice slapped me in the face and told me I was a whore
I laughed and I said tell me more
Nail me to a cross just like jesus
And while you do it continue to rip my heart to pieces
So I can at least have reasons
For your change of feelings kinda like the seasons
Fall Summer even winter
Try to tell me you need to get thinner
When you really need to be having me for dinner
Take a look around and tell me something different
Cos now I'm trapped in a dream possessed by her hallucinogens
Don't listen to them and their perfection
Because all those clowns will soon die with infection
Self perception
What you see is what you get
And you have something I want beautiful to the touch so hot it makes me wet
Eyes like crystals and skin like velvet
No matter how hard I try to diss
She is the only woman that I miss
I remember how I prayed just for one kiss
Off those lips
As this vocalist spits
This knife begins to slit
The wrists
Of my mistress
But everyone even me needs to go through the steps...

Denial:
I know I'll never get her back
I know she'll never want me back
The light turns out and leaves my surrounds to black
My mind and eyes hurt from never wanting to face the fact
I don't want to sing along to his band I just sit in the back and clap
Tell me you love me and that I didn't deserve that slap
Cry me an ocean where I can swim it so happily
Now thats a dream so someone please grab me
Sitting on the roof of my own house is where I create my own fantasy
I cant trust anyone not even my own family
Tell her I need her just tell her to see
How I'm lying here pretending not to breathe
I'm nothing with out her
And my cries for her scream louder and louder

Anger:

I needed you at every moment but where were you
I was alone devastated and who where you with WHO?!
Oh sorry for my heart being broken in two
But what else was I supposed to fucking do?
Did you see what it is you put me through
The flipped out hair the fat body the ugly face
Is this what I was...? oh wait I was replaced
I asked for a push into heaven and you gave me a shove
This is the one hes in the band I got kicked out of
So much for my guidance from up above
Your words were lies they were just dubbed
I cant believe I'm here writing this
Why do I even bother getting pissed
This girl doesn't even deserve this
I don't understand why I'm getting dissed

Acceptance:


I'm all alone now
At least it gives me time to think and practice my wedding vows
I'm ready to move on in this life of mine
She was once with me and she is still Devinne
But Its time to do my thing and find what I am destined to be
See what things I'm good at and what god has planned for me

Greet me with peace
Hold me with high standards
Think the best for my future
Wish me good fortune
Have faith in my heart
Pray for my decisions
Leave me here with my final words
Just think of me as an angel
Who looked over you until you were old enough to walk
Now walk away and say it loud
Stand tall and make me proud.